Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
