I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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