you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
