I wish my penis had an off switch
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize