when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
