just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
