Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
