Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
