Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We got so high we made milksteak
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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