Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
