Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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