I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
