i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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