my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
