i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
