last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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