I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
