the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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