I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
