We named our party play list daddy issues
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
