I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
