the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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