does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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