we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My feet surprised me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
