Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
