I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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