Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
