my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
