Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
