There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
