I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
