Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
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Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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