I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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