You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
