Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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