you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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