chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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