Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
