my mouth tastes like poor choices
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
