I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
