i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
