For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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