fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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