I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i need some magic done to my vagina
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
