things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
