I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
