i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
