I accidentally had phone sex last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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