I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
