we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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