OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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