The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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