You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
