But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
