I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
