what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
