Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
